Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Who’s ready for Friday?!
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.