*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.