If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
when you don’t want to be too vague
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
That eye roll….
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Your honor these allegations are
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is