No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
🤣✨#caturday
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.