My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
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[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
barbara was highly relatable
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
No. He’s not coming out to play
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
ready to be harvested
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*