My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance