I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle