Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
road rage
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol