My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
<—- homeless romantic
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.