[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.