Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The Struggle
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My life coach traded me.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently