me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.