😂ðŸ˜
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Every photo I’m tagged in
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
HERE’S MARKY
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
best first i’ve ever seen
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
🤣dope
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Ask your doctor if Drugsâ„¢ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”