life finds a way
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I did not eat the cake…
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
not seeing the problem
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.