“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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we’re gonna need another temp
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck