– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?