TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon