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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*checks Timeline*…
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.