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I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Is this you?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there