Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.