My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Yup
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?