marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
this is the greatest thing ever
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
do what now??