My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.