Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You Might Also Like
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
how to market bottled water to dads
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?