me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner