One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Feels
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.