*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
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[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“I wouldn’t.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”