Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.