Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Huge, if true.