My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Legend 🤣🤣
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.