Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Thursday Thought.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.