If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Beauty and the Beast
Optional boss fight.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”