Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.