Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
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Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“i am a sweet baby”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.