[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon