[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
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Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
catch me on valentine’s day like
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*