Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You Might Also Like
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The smoothest fall of all time
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Well, that should do it
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today