Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*