Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
You Might Also Like
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
😂 amazing answer
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs