An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
People buying plungers never look happy.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna