Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“I FIXED IT!”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.