someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
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Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?