How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
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STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
*lint rolls you awake*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you