I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.