Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet