Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
2022: I can fix it
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…