[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
time for some seasonal decor
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”