Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
it is time once again
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…