Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over