Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.